A few weeks ago I gave a speech at the Rewired Men’s Conference. It was one of the toughest talks I’ve ever given. It wasn’t the crowd that had me nervous or the fact that my dad was filming me from with his phone from the front row. What made it difficult was the subject matter. I spoke for about 12 minutes on being a “Distant Dad”. It wasn’t perfect, I probably talked too fast, and I definitely got emotional a time or two, but without a doubt I received more feedback from this speech than anything I’ve ever done. Clearly there are hundreds of thousands of men like me out there trying to figure out how to be a Dad when you don’t to tuck your kids in evernight. In light of me flying down to Birmingham this weekend to watch my sons Band Concert and my daughters Dance Recital, I thought I would share with you the script from my speech. If you know a father who needs to read this, please pass it on.
—
“A Distant Dad”
I’ve lived a life of labels.
I’ve been labeled a – Problem Child
I’ve been labeled as – Divorced
I’ve been labeled a – Drug Addict
I’ve been labeled as – Insecure
I’ve been labeled a – Loser
I’ve been labeled as – Wasted Potential
In my life, I’ve been labeled a lot of different things
Now in most circles I run in today I am labeled as the Addiction Guy. Many of you may have heard my story about how God rescued me from the grips of addictions, changed my heart, and sent me on a mission to give hope to others who are struggling.
That label of the Addiction Guy may have even been the label you slapped on me as I walked on to the stage.
But today I’m not here to talk to you about addiction. I’m here to talk about the latest label that life has given me – the label of a Distant Daddy.
On July 16th of last year, I received a phone call that changed my life. I was driving here. To speak at Falls Creek during youth camp. When the phone rang, I did what all of us do: I checked the caller ID. It was my ex-wife. Now normally when she calls, I just hit ignore… No, I’m just joking. But sometimes. Anyway, I answered the phone and she went on to tell me the most devastating news I’d ever heard.
We shared custody of our two children and she lived and worked here in OKC. She has been remarried for several years and has another child with her husband. Though our family situation was complicated, it was mostly amiable. But during this phone call, she told me about how, over the past few months, she had been courted by an energy company based out of Birmingham Alabama, and that they had wined and dined her, flown her down to Birmingham and shown her the best they had to offer. In the end they had they’d offered her a job.
I realized about half way through the conversation that she wasn’t calling to ask permission she was calling to tell me what she was going to do…
She was going to move my children 3 states away. And there was nothing I could do about it….
It went quickly, and in less than 3 weeks, their bags were packed, the U-Haul truck was in their driveway, and I wept uncontrollably as I hugged my kids for what would be the last time for months. We enjoyed some great time together that last day and in fact I think we have picture of that day when we tattooed each other…. As you can I tattooed on them Philippians 1:3 – which states “ I thank my God every time I remember you.”
Now I’ve faced some tough days in my 32 years on this earth.
- I’ve watched as my family loaded up a moving truck and moved away from during my drug use.
- I’ve sat on the couch as my parents cried their eyes out as they begged me to stop using drugs.
- I’ve been publicly humiliated as I was dragged out of my office in front of my coworkers so I could be sent to rehab.
- I’ve been in the nastiest facilities in this state doped up on medicine as tried to kick OxyContin withdrawal that would have Chuck Norris begging for mercy
I’ve experienced a lot of bad days.
But let me tell you: nothing, not anything compares to the pain of that day. The tears didn’t stop for hours.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was sad, I was devastated. And God and I had some serious conversations. The nights leading up to that day, I just yelled at Him. “WHY?” I yelled. “I’ve done what you’ve asked me to do. I’m clean, I’m working with other people, I’m trying to do all I can to glorify Your name, I’ve worked like a dog to get my kids back to where they trust me again, and now You are taking them away! Why???”
Why? To be honest I don’t know for sure. But maybe, just maybe I’m going through what I’m going through because someone out there is going through the same thing.
What if God is going to use my situation to give HOPE to others who face the same label today: A Distant Daddy?
Because I don’t know how else to handle this. It’s still so hard that I break down at least once a week. So all I know to do is to try and take my pain and use it as a platform to hopefully help someone else in the midst of theirs.
Truth is, I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this. Statistics tell us that 1 out of every 6 fathers do not live with their children. Many of you are like me and living out the consequences of your past choices or life circumstance that were beyond your control. Some of us, although we’ve made changes in our lives, cleaned up our act, and are trying to do the right things, we’re finding out this hard, hard truth: some consequences just can’t be outrun.
If you are a distant daddy today, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is someone else broken, someone else hurting, and someone else desperately missing their children. And that’s okay! It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to cry. It’s even okay to question God—He can handle it.
But it’s not okay to let the distance between us and our kids become a justification to not be a Dad.
The truth is, I didn’t become a Distant Daddy when that U-Haul rolled out of my ex-wife’s driveway. No, I’ve played that role since before the ink dried on the divorce papers I signed over seven years ago.
But since then, I have learned something that I think can change the way you parent, and although I do not believe it was the will of God that I became divorced, I do believe we serve a God who works all things together for the good of those who love Him. And if what I have endured and the discomfort I have gone through can be used for the good of one you today, then I believe it is worth sharing…
So here’s what I want to share with you today…
Parenting is not about you, it’s about your children
This is the realization that has helped me overcome my biggest problem. ME. I was so hurt. I rolled around in self-pity for months, mad at God and confused at what was going on. And then one day someone helped remind me that it was never about me to begin with and it was never going to be about me.
And it hit me: what if I began to put the long-term happiness, joy, and health of my children as the top priority in my co-parenting relationship? What would happen? How could that change the dynamic? How could that lead to more well-rounded, Christ-centered children?
That paradigm shift in my thinking changed everything.
Instantly all of my relationships and motives changed.
- Pride seemed to drop.
- I didn’t feel the need to always be right all the time.
- I wasn’t out to prove anything
And I believe that God began to bless this type of dynamic shift in my thinking. Because when I think this way:
- Forgiveness becomes abundant
- The past becomes truly the past
- God does his best work.
Don’t get me wrong, none of what I am saying means that co-parenting will instantly become easier, but it can become a place of renewal and restoration.
- When you began to understand that parenting is not about You, but all about your children, then restoration can begin to happen.
- When you’re just there to support your kids, to love your kids, to make the right choices for your kids, crazy-cool things begin to happen.
Crazy things like what this picture embodies. You see when I go and visit my children in Alabama I don’t stay in a rented house or appartmetn, I don’t stay in some hotel. When I go and see my kids I say with them, I stay at their house. With their mother and stepfather. People look at me like I am crazy when I tell them this.
And maybe I am.
Crazy enough to put my kids best interest as my top priority.
Crazy enough to risk some uncomfortable moments.
Crazy enough to drop my ego and just do the next right thing.
Closing:
So what does all this have to do with labels? Throughout the course of all of our lives, we will get a lot of labels slapped on us. What I’ve come to believe is this: that the seasons of pain we endure will ultimately prepare us to help others who are going through the same struggle
I believe that God wants to weave all of the crazy, awesome, hurtful, horrible, incredible and tragic moments of our lives together into a beautiful picture that can be used to mend broken hearts, restore broken lives and save lost souls.
I don’t know what the future will hold, but I know what I am going to do to ensure my that when my son and daughter look back on their childhood, they don’t see this label (peel off “Distant Daddy” label)
They see this one.. (Turn Around) A #HopeDealer.
A man who took what the enemy meant for evil and made it something good.
Because this is who God made me to be as a man.
A HopeDealer. A hope giver, an encourager, a present father, a father who goes above and beyond to provide for his children the best he can. Who faces down his shortfalls and his weaknesses and, through the power of Jesus Christ, gets back up when he’s knocked down. Then reaches his hand to help the next person.
A HopeDealer. That’s the real me. That’s a label I can live for. Can you?