Recently I heard a counselor tell someone at one of Hope is Alive’s – Finding Hope classes say, “Everyone will relapse, but no one ever has to take another drink or do another drug.” The more I pondered this, the more it made real good sense, but not only for the “addicted” out there, but for the general population as well.
Before I get too far into this, for those of you who don’t know what the word “relapse” means, and I know there are a few out there because my daughter asked me over the weekend and I had to try and explain it. So here is my very simple definition.
Relapse – When after a period of abstinence a person re-engages in an activity that is painful to themselves or to others.
Relapse, backsliding, setbacks, regression, falling off the wagon, it doesn’t matter what you call it or specifically what you are speaking to. The point is, none of us are perfect and we all have moments of relapse in our thinking, speaking or even in our actions. The important thing to focus on is how you got about recognizing what you are doing and correcting your behavior so as to hopefully stop yourselves from ever “taking that drink” or “binging” or “visiting that website” or doing whatever it is you’re trying not to do.
Contrary to popular opinion, relapse does not start when a person decides to start using again. It’s a long process of slowly migrating back into old behaviors, practices or attitudes. Relapse really begins…
- The moment you start to avoid accountability
- The times you skip out on your meetings because you’re “tired”
- The days you flip the channel to the free preview of the HBO show you know you shouldn’t watch
- The nights you ignore your sponsors phone calls
- The weekends you bail on the service work you used to be so committed to
- The moments you slip in your negative thinking
- The stretches of time between your step work
- The days you fail to hit your knees in prayer
- The secrets you allow to never see the light of day
Relapse is a dynamic period of time. It’s beginnings are eerily camouflaged and its conclusions are often times public tragedies. It sneaks up on you in your weakest moments and lures you into poor patterns which lead to poor choices, which leads to pours, lines, clicks and more. But it doesn’t have to be this way. The more you know about yourself the better chance you have of catching yourself in the act of relapse behavior before you fall into the act of relapse itself.
Below are the 4 common areas of Relapse. These are elements of our lives that help us quickly gauge how we are living and how actively we are pursuing our choice to be abstinent. Like a barometer, measure yourself in these categories and be honest. Count how many times you say yes to these questions.
Relationships
- God – Check your relationship with God? Are you purposefully seeking a relationship with God every day? Are you harboring resentments against God? Do you find yourself angry at God?
- YOU – How much do you love yourself today? This will always be evident in your self-care. Are you resting? Are you exercising? Are you taking time for you? Are you forgiving yourself when you make mistakes?
- Others – When we are using and abusing drugs and other substances, on average, we hurt 21 other people. Are hurting others again? Are you mindful when you hurt someone else? Are you making amends?
Honesty
- Are you being completely honest with God, yourself and others?
- Have you failed to tell the full truth recently?
- Is there someone you need to be honest with?
- Do you have secrets?
Delusions & Denial
- Are you beginning to negotiate with yourself in order to do things you haven’t been doing or know you shouldn’t?
- Are you criticizing others?
- Are you thinking poorly about others? Being judgmental?
Letting up on Daily Disciplines
- Are you justifying missing meetings, daily readings, church or family events?
- Are you procrastinating on step work or calling your sponsor?
- Are you avoiding accountability?
As you read through these bullet points, if you are nodding “Yes” more often than “No”, then watch out– you’re in the Kenny Loggins Danger Zone. Now it’s not the end of the world, but you need to check your program, check your behavior and call someone who cares about you right now. We are ALL just two choices away from relapsing but staying true to ourselves and honest with others keeps us in where we need to be.
In the end, relapse is not some huge choice we make to drink, drug or watch porn. It’s the hundred small daily choices to do the wrong things over a period time that leads to that one huge choice. But the great news is we can all avoid relapse the same way we found sobriety, by making the daily choice to do the next right thing in every situation.
-Hope is Alive
PS. If you’re struggling in any area today, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust. If you don’t have anyone then call me. I’d be glad to help any way I can. Here’s my cell – 405.996.8862