I spent the last five years chasing someone who was unattainable. I can say for certain five years, but in all honesty, it was probably more like my whole life. Chasing someone outside myself to complete me, hold me up, care for me and show me that I mattered.
I knew along the way there was something different about me; an unrest in my soul. I couldn’t put a firm name to it until I started chasing an addict. Five years ago I found the perfect match to my sickness; the addict. Let the image of me running after a man who was always chasing the next high sit with you a moment. Proving, to a man who was always chasing something else, I was worthy engulfed me. Proving to him I could love him out of his addiction and trying to understand why he didn’t love me enough to quit became my complete existence.
I became responsible for his using, his life and my own; this gave me value. The one thing my codependent self-yearned for my entire life. I had a dis-ease in my soul; an uncomfortable and constant dis-ease. I spent many nights and days policing his where abouts, checking his phone, calling his office and taking care of his kids. What I didn’t realize at the time was I was doing this for myself. I wanted to show him that his life couldn’t go on without me at the helm. It would have shattered me to actually stop running for a moment; stop chasing and face the situation.
See my addict got better. I wasn’t the one who got him to treatment. I was the one left behind. Like it or not, the minute he stopped chasing his next high was the moment I had a very harsh reality check. I had enabled him. At the time I blamed his parents, his ex-wife, pressures from work and even his kids. But without the fog of his addiction, I realized I had made it easy for him.
I took on the responsibility of his addiction. I took it on so he wouldn’t have to. I covered up for him so he wouldn’t have to. I worried about him so he wouldn’t have to. I checked his pulse so he wouldn’t have to. And after he went to treatment it all came crashing down.
My problem was bigger than his addiction.
My problem was codependence, love addiction, relationship addiction; this is who I am without his addiction.
I’ve been in recovery for one year and three months now. I went to treatment. I still struggle every single day. My disease is just as debilitating and deadly as his addiction was. I allowed anyone, who came under the banner of caring for me, run havoc in my head until they chose to leave. I could put on a great smile and say all the right things but inside I was rotting away. I asked myself: Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be stronger? Why do I have to live a lie?
I am like this because of my circumstances, because of my choices and because I never saw a chance to get better. When you have an ailment, you go to the doctor. But there didn’t seem to be a doctor for what I had. This uneasiness I couldn’t put into words. Then my addiction threatened to leave me. A man I didn’t even think I cared about and I was left a puddle of tears, questioning my existence and feeling completely lost. At this point, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The day I left for treatment my whole life felt like it was rotating off balance. I felt like someone just pulled the board out from under me and I was free falling into a deep and dark hole. There was nothing or nobody to hold me up.
The first week of treatment I couldn’t have any communication with my addiction. I could write letters, oh did I write letters. The second week rolled around and I could finally make calls. Guess who was the first one on the phone that morning? Then something started to happen and the “hit” I received from calling him didn’t ease my soul. It created turmoil. On that second week of treatment I started to understand my process addiction. I started to give my shame away. I chose to get honest and lay my life out on the table and I began to find some hope.
Today, I am a love and relationship addict. I realize the pain in my adulthood came from wounds that I simply didn’t know how to heal. There were no tools until I started to give back my shame. I reached out and exposed this core and that was the most powerful thing I ever did.
Every day I learn new things about myself.
Every day I understand my worth, my gifts, my talents and my value.
I take the time to nurture myself, instead of someone else.
I am here to tell you that I understand. I know where you are and the despair you feel. Life can get better. Reach out to someone- a trusted friend or if you were like me and there wasn’t anyone left. Then you reach out to me! We all deserve to be at peace with just ourselves.
Note: If you would like to reach out to the author of this post, email Lance at [email protected].