They say change is a good thing…right?
At least I’ve heard people say that before. But what happens when change isn’t good. When it sucks. When you hate it and would do anything within your power to change the change?
Is that when we’re supposed to step back and start saying all the right things…
“Well there must be a plan for this”
“One day this will all make sense”
“God’s timing is perfect”
“One day at a time”
“It is what it is”
The truth is I’ve said all these things about a thousand times and I still don’t feel any better about this change. It still makes me want to hit something. Hard and Repeatedly.
Everyday I seem to battle the same roller coaster of emotions. Frustration, Acceptance, Anger, Acceptance, Rage, Acceptance, Guilt, Acceptance. Repeat!
The change I’ve been living through the past 6 weeks hasn’t been good. Nor have I handled every aspect of it perfectly. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said, I done things I regret doing and I certainly have thought things that should have never crossed my mind. But at least I didn’t run this time. Even when everything inside of me screamed run, escape, bail, leave it all behind and just run – I didn’t.
I’ve stuck it out, I’ve persevered, I’ve tried to be a part of the solution. I’ve even tried to forgive.
This is hard I must admit. Forgiveness is still very foreign for me. I’m prone to hold grudges, I’m bent towards rebellion in a pretty hardcore way and I tend to lack compassion. So for me to battle through pain and heartache and not run away and not put something in my body to alter my mindset and to begin to consider forgiveness…well that’s a miracle. That’s change, and I guess some change is a good thing.
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Today I know I am not the only one struggling with a change that hurts. Maybe today you too are struggling with the loss of a loved one, the pain of a marriage gone wrong or the sadness that comes with not being able to see your children.
I hope you see from the glance inside my head that you’re not alone. There is someone going through what you are going through. Maybe you can find some hope in that.
Or maybe you can rest in the hope that God does fully recognize the situation we are all in and hurts to see us hurt. As hard as life may seem to you today, know I am here with you in this valley and that so is God. He loves us in the valley as much as he loves us on the mountaintop. May we rest in Him throughout all of the changes life brings.
-Hope is Alive
